DUMB AND FUNNY QUESTIONS AND STATEMENTS MADE BY TOURISTS And related sorts of humor... Collected by Alan Silverstein, ajs@fc.hp.com Last update: March 10, 2010 Original source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp 120-121. More material added from other postings to the Net in rec.backcountry, and other sources. Some of the questions are more ignorant than dumb, but most of them are still amusing anyway. Later I decided, what the heck, and added dumb/funny statements as well as questions. An ex-ranger said: An edict from above was that we weren't allowed to use the word "tourist", but rather to refer to them as "park visitors". A pet word we used among ourselves when the bosses weren't around was "touron": tourist + moron; not for all of them in general, just the ones who seemed to be a few bricks shy of a full load. Some referred to them as "pilgrims", in the sense of making an annual pilgrimmage to the mountains. Any national park: * Have we done all there is to do, or are we missing something? * Is this place on the list? * What is there to do around here at night? * Is there anything interesting up the trail, or just more of the same? (trees, rocks, streams, you know) * Is it worth it to go to ______? (fill in name of most spectacular place on Earth) * Are you seeing anything good? * Since there are bears here, should I keep my cat inside my tent? * (Small child at vista point:) Dad, how'd they do that? * (Canoeing down a river:) Which way should we go if the river forks? (actually a reasonable question around islands) * What frequency is the park on? (I've asked this myself, for emergency use only. It's a dumb question because the rangers don't know. They just use channel 1, channel 2, ...) Denali National Park, Alaska: * What time do you feed the bears? * Can you show me where the yeti lives? * How often do you mow the tundra? * How much does Mount McKinley weigh? * A photographer was dropped off in Alaska by helicopter. He was told to be sure and get some bear spray to protect himself from bear attack, so he did. As the pilot was flying off he saw the photographer get out the bear spray and spray himself with it! The pilot had to go back and take the photographer to a hospital. Prince William Sound, Alaska: * (While sea kayaking:) What elevation are we at? Banff and Jasper National Parks: * (Looking at a scree-covered glacer:) Aww, Ethel, ain't it a shame the way they've gone and polluted the glacier? * How do the elk know they are supposed to cross at the "Elk Crossing" signs? * How do you pronounce "elk"? * Are the bears with collars tame? * Where can I see the bears pose? * Is it OK to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent? * Where can I find Alpine Flamingos? * I saw an animal on the way to Banff yesterday, can you tell me what it was? * Are there birds in Canada? * Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? * Where does Alberta end and Canada begin? * Do you have a map of the State of Jasper? * Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan? * If I go to British Columbia, do I have to go through Ontario? * Which is the way to the Columbia ricefields? * How far is Banff from Canada? * What's the best way to see Canada in a day? * Do they search you at the British Columbia border? * When we enter British Columbia do we have to convert our money to British pounds? * Where can I buy a raccoon hat? All Canadians own one, don't they? * Are there phones in Banff? * So it's eight kilometers away... Is that in miles? We're on the decibel system, you know. * Where can I get my husband really, REALLY lost? * Is that two kilometers by foot or by car? * Don't you Canadians know anything? Kananaskis country, Alberta, Canada (cold!): * (While looking at the mountain tops:) Is that REALLY snow? * What's it like to live in Canada? * (While standing beside a map:) How far to the falls? Approximately 8km? OH! Too far, there's nothing but trees, mountains, and water up there anyway right? * (Seeing three people with full packs:) Are you guys, like, professionals? Timberline Lodge, Mount Hood, Oregon: * (Looking south to Mount Jefferson, 40 miles away:) How come they put the lodge so far away from the mountain? Multnomah Falls: * On the other side of that cliff, does it go straight out, or does it just go right back down? Crater Lake (known for its depth): * Does the water go all the way to the bottom of the lake? Morro Bay, home of Morro Rock, a dome several hundred feet high: * Is the Rock covered up at high tide? La Brea Tar Pits: * Isn't it amazing that such big animals lived right by such a busy street as Wilshire? Sequioa National Park: * Why did they plant the trees so close to the road? Yosemite National Park: * What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls? * Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? * How long is the Two-Hour Valley Floor Tour? * Where's the other half of Half Dome? * You mean we came all the way out here to look at a bunch of rocks? * (To climbers:) Just how do you get your rope up there? Lassen National Volcanic Park: * (Scratched on sign in Bumpass Hell, near boiling mudpots:) A watched child never boils. Mammoth Cave: * How much of Mammoth Cave is underground? * How much does this cave weigh? * How much radon are we breathing? * When does the laser light show start? * Are we below the Earth's crust? Death Valley: * (Back when it was a national monument -- Death Valley NM; holding a map of New Mexico:) Where exactly are we in New Mexico? Grand Canyon National Park: * (Along the rim trail:) Is this all there is, or is there more up that way? * Do you light it up at night? When? * I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it? * Is the mule train air conditioned? * Are there dining cars on the mule train? * What time does Old Faithful go off? (recall, this is Grand Canyon) * So where are the faces of the presidents? (see above) * Was this man-made? How did you make it? * What year did they build this? * Exactly why did you guys put it here? * Will the sun set tonight? Great Basin National Park: * (Father to child:) Now you're seeing what nature is really like. Glacier National Park: * What does the Park Service do with all the animals in the winter? (Snappy answer: They cage them up and send them back to the San Diego Zoo.) * Wouldn't that be a great picture if they would move the snow off the side of the mountain? Yellowstone National Park: * Does Old Faithful erupt at night? (Speaking from personal experience: Yes; and on a moonless, starry night in the winter, it's spectacular.) * How do you turn it on? * When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep? * Where do the animals sleep at night? I mean, where are their cages? * We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits? * What do we have to leave at night before the gates are closed? * When do the deer turn into elk? * When do the elk turn into moose? (At what elevation?) * Can we eat this? (holding a handful of moose droppings that look like Milk Duds) * On which side of the Continental Divide does the water flow uphill? Grand Teton National Park: * What is that white stuff up there? (pointing at snowfields) * How do I get to the road that goes to the top of the Grand Teton? * I just came from the north through Yellowstone, and you say I'm in Grand Teton now. So if I go south I'll immediately hit Grand Canyon National Park, right? I mean, aren't all of these parks right together, back to back? Someone told me they were. Arches National Park: * Is there a Wal-Mart near here? Dinosaur National Monument: * I want to photograph the monument. Where is it? Mesa Verde National Park: * Did people build this, or did Indians? * Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? * Why did they build ruins? * Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? * What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion? * Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? Rocky Mountain National Park: * Those beavers didn't really build those lodges, now did they? I mean -- didn't the rangers build those for them? * So how do you all get your food? They don't have any supermarkets up there, do they? Carlsbad Caverns National Park: * So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? * Does it ever rain in here? * How many ping-pong balls would it take to fill this up? * So what is this -- just a hole in the ground? * Why don't you fix all the drips/leaks? * Where's the entrance to the elevator? Bridger Wilderness (registration sheets and comment cards): * Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands. * Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce world-wide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness. * Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals. * All the mile markers are missing this year. * Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse. * Trail needs to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill. * Too many bugs and leaches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests. * Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow during the winter. * Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them. * The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals. * A small deer came into my camp and stole my jar of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call ___ ___ ____. * Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights. * Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. * Need more signs to keep area pristine. * A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead. * The places where trails do not exist are not well marked. * Too many rocks in the mountains. Devils Tower National Monument: * Where's the entrance to the elevator? Mount Rushmore: * Who ARE those guys, anyway? Gateway Arch (Jefferson National Expansion Memorial), St Louis: * Is this arch natural or man-made? Paluxy River dinosaur tracks site: * (Father to son:) You know Billy, these dinosaur footprints are HUNDREDS of years old! * I know dinosaurs were heavy, but I never dreamed they could punch footprints like this in solid rock. * (Seeing trackways head into pools of water:) Look junior, that's where the dinosaur took a swim. * Why did dinosaurs make their tracks in this riverbed? * (At a spot where the tracks continue through a river bank:) How did the dinosaur walk through the overlying rocks? * How did the tracks survive all those millions of years in this riverbed, with the water flowing over them? Lake Michigan: * What ocean is that? * Are there waves on Lake Michigan? * But it's always too cold to swim in, right? (debatable!) * On a clear day, can you see the other side? * Wouldn't it be neat if they built a pipeline so we could use this water to irrigate our crops in good ol' central California? (grrr...) Lavarande Park, Quebec: * Who planted all these trees? Niagara Falls: * Where can I buy a ticket for the barrel ride? Monadnock: * (To winter climber:) What are you dressed as? * Can I drive/ride to the top? * Who's playing the flute? (a Hermit Thrush -- a bird) * (At the summit:) Where's the bathroom? * (To Larry the Legend, who climbed every day for years:) Do you come here often? * We want to hunt bears, where are the bears? (Few or no bears in Southern NH.) Appalachian Trail: * How much further does this trail go? (about 1200 miles) Everglades National Park: * Are the alligators real? * Are the baby alligators for sale? * Where are all the rides? * What time does the two-o'clock bus leave? Cape Hatteras National Seashore: * Is this the Atlantic Ocean? Edinburgh Castle, Scotland: * Do you have any photographs of the castle under construction? (The castle dates back in parts to the 10th century AD.) * Can we see the original blueprints of the castle? * Wouldn't it have been better if they'd built the castle nearer the stores? Piazzo San Marco in Venice: * Look at all these damn pigeons... Why don't they shoot some of them? * Look at all these old houses. They look like crap. They ought to tear some of them down and put up new housing... Entering Australia: * "Do you have a criminal record?" "No, why, is that still required?" ___________ From: tom.veto@ix.netcom.com (Thomas Veto) Newsgroups: rec.backcountry Subject: Re: stupid questions Date: 31 May 1995 A few years ago I was preparing for a winter Grand Canyon solo backpack by my vehicle at Grandview Point. It was a beautiful sunny day and a family from the midwest was having fun snowball fighting each other when the father noticed me and started making inquiries. Out conversation went something like this: "What are you up to?" "I'm getting ready for a hike." "You're going down there? Is there a trail?" "Yes, it's right behind you." "Why are you going down there? Isn't that hard?" "Not if you're in shape and you know what you're doing." At that point he starting getting belted with more snowballs. "Why's there snow on the ground if it's so sunny out?" "I guess because it hasn't melted yet." "I don't understand. It's hot enough to be in shirt sleeves and there's snow on the ground! Is there snow down there too?" "Not too much." "Why don't you just take a helicopter down to the bottom?" "It costs too much." "Oh... Well I think you're a little crazy for going down there! You might be attacked by a bear." "I always keep an eye out for them." More snowballs come flying through. "I still can't understand how there can be snow on the ground with all this sun and blue sky." "Nice to have talked, but I need to finish getting ready. Hope you have a nice vacation."