CLASSIC PUNS -- A Random Collection By Alan Silverstein, ajs@frii.com From: grkermit!larry Date: Jun 24 1983 Subject: World's worst puns (revised, and new material appended) Newsgroups: net.jokes The following, according to the Book of Lists 2, are the worlds worst puns: 1. The Eskimo stabbed himself with an icicle. He died of cold cuts. 2. In his dessert list, a San Antonio restaurateur suggests, "Remember the alamode." 3. There was an advice-to-the-lovelorn editor who insisted, "If at first you don't succeed, try a little ardor." 4. The commuter's Volkswagen went down once too often. So he consigned it to the Old Volks Home. 5. When a fire chief responded to a call from a lingerie shop, he found no trace of a blaze. His official report read, "Falsie alarm." 6. The wise old crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He wanted to make a long-distance caw. 7. A talkative musician couldn't hold a job. Every time he opened his mouth, he put his flute in it. 8. A farmer with relatives in East Germany heard that a food package he had sent had never arrived. Optimistically, he assured them, "Cheer up! The wurst is yet to come." 9. When the promoter of a big flower show was told that a postponement was necessary because the exhibits could not be installed on time, he explained to his backers, "We were simply caught with our plants down." 10. There was an unscheduled event in a Baghdad harem. The sultan barged in unexpectedly -- and his 62 wives let out a terrified sheikh. 11. A critic declared that he always praised the first show of a new theatrical season. "Who am I," he asked, "to stone the first cast?" 12. Egotist: A man who's always me-deep in conversation. 13. She was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the male half of the senior class. The weighed her in the balance and found her wanton. 14. A hen stopped right in the middle of the highway. She wanted to lay it on the line. 15. The husband of a talkative wife sighed, "I've given that woman the best ears of my life." 16. "It's raining cats and dogs," one man remarked. "I know," said another. "I just stepped into a poodle." 17. In Peru, a gallant cavalier fished a drowning maiden out of a lake -- and married her before the Inca was dry. 18. An eccentric bachelor passed away and left a nephew nothing but 392 clocks. The nephew is now busy winding up the estate. 19. The baseball pitcher with a sore arm was in the throws of agony. 20. A Turkish salesman promoted an audience with an old-time sultan. "I don't recall your name," said the sultan pleasantly, "but your fez is familiar." ------------ From: dclaar@hpcuhb.HP.COM (Doug Claar) Date: 19 Apr 89 Subject: Re: PUNitive damages Newsgroups: hp.misc ...a news article describing Mass Transit's current problems, and the bright future that everyone always talks about. Title the article: "Sick Transit's Glorious Someday" ...A couple were touring part of the USSR by horseback. Laura wanted to know if her husband was going to take tomorrow's optional side trip into the Ural Mountains. Her husband, already saddle-sore, and looking forward to a day of rest, replied: "Tour all Ural, Laura? Too raw, Laura, lie." ------------ From: sbs@hplsdqa.HP.COM (Steve Schmidt) Date: 16 Apr 89 Subject: Re: PUNitive damages Newsgroups: hp.misc ...Chicago Tribune's choice for the best pun of the past year (old, 1984) reported by Paul Harvey: "The bush people of Australia rely on prayer to protect them from the bitter cold weather. They huddle together and pray. Many are cold but few are frozen." ------------ Date: 17 Apr 89 Subject: PUNitive damages Newsgroups: hp.misc One has to be skeptical of the recent reports of palladium catalyzed deuterium fusion. But if they can make it work, I say more power to them. ------------ From: garye@hp-ptp.HP.COM (Gary_Ericson) Date: 19 Apr 89 Subject: Re: hp.humor for 4/89 Newsgroups: hp.misc Saw a septic tank pumper truck on the road today, and on the back of the truck it said: A Flush Beats a Full House ------------ From: bryanh@hplsla.HP.COM (Bryan Hoog) Date: 23 Apr 89 Subject: PUNitive damages Newsgroups: hp.misc * A guy lost his job at the orange juice factory because he couldn't concentrate. * A termite walked into a bar and asked, "Where's the bar tender?" * The American farmer is admired worldwide because he's outstanding in his field. ------------ A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. A three-legged dog walked into a saloon in the Old West. He slid up to the bar and announced: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." A guy went into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he said, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order came a while later and it was served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asked the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sang, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!" A neutron went into a bar and asked the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replied, "For you, no charge." Two atoms walked down the street and they ran into each other. One said to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" The second atom replied, "Yeah, I'm positive!" A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents." A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named Amal. The other went to a family in Spain; they named him Juan. Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they're twins; if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." ------------ From: Daniel Hinojosa Subject: Re: wet dream Date: 21 Apr 89 WET DREAM (apparently the lyrics to a song) It was April the 41st. Being a quadruple leap year, I was driving in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray and it was overheating. So, I pulled into a Shell station. They said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my personal life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that I walked over to a place called The Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner (he used to play for the Dolphins). I said, "Hi Gill!" (You have to yell, he's hard of herring.) Chorus: Think I had a wet dream, Cruising through the Gulf Stream. Oooooh oooooh-ooooh oooooh, Wet dream. Gil was also down on his luck. Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water. I bellied up to the sand bar. He poured me the usual -- rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred, with a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side, heavy on the mako. I slipped him the fin, on porpoise. I was feeling good. I even slipped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's squids, for the halibut. Well, the place was crowded -- we were packed in like sardines. They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal -- what sole! Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon 'Chanted Evening". And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers, probably there to see the bass player. One of them was this cute little yellow-tail and she's givin' me the eye, so I figure this is my chance for a little fun. You know, a little pisces. But she said things I just couldn't fathom; she was too deep. Seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Boy could she drink! She drank like a -- she drank a lot. I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarian." I said, "Great! Let's get tanked!" I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait. I said, "Come on baby. It'll only take a few minnows." She threw me that same old line: "Not tonight. I got a haddock." And she wasn't kidding, either, 'cause in came the biggest, meanest-looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike. He was covered with mussels. He came over to me and said, "Listen, shrimp. Don't you come trolling around here." What a crab. This guy was steamed. I could see the anchor in his eyes. I turned to him and said, "A-balone. You're just being shellfish." Well, I knew there was going to be trouble and so did Gill 'cause he was already on the phone to the cods. The haddock hits me with a sucker punch. I catch him with a left hook. He eels over. It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel. Kelpless. I said, "Forget the cods, Gill, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon." Well, the yellow-tail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend. She came over to me and said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish. What's your name?" I said, "Marlin." Well, from then on we had a whale of a time. I took her out to dinner. I took her to dance. I bought her a bouquet of flounders. And then I went home with her. And what did I get for my troubles? A case of the clams. ------------ More received from friends in September, 2010 and beyond: - Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. - The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. - I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. - She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still. - A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. - No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. - A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. - A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. - Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. - Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. - Atheism is a non-prophet organization. - Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head." - I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. - A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the grass." - A backward poet writes inverse. - In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes. - If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. - A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." - Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" - When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. - The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. - The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. - A hole was found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.