SEMI-CANONICAL COLLECTED LIGHT BULB JOKES Collected by Alan Silverstein, ajs@frii.com Updated Mar 28, 2021 Derived over years from many sources. I gave up on canonicalizing this collection and merely appended scads more material when it arrived. Be warned, some are offensive. Also most pre-date 1990 and are outdated now! ---------------- How many XXX does it take to change / screw in a light bulb? The infamous original POLOCK version: POLOCKS: Five: One to hold the light bulb, four to turn the ladder. or, Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Another variant: STRONG POLOCKS: 115: One to hold the bulb, and 114 to rotate the house. (Note well: I am half Polish, so I'm allowed to tell Polock jokes; I just don't do it very well!) Others based on identities: STRAIGHT SAN FRANCISCANS: Both of them. CALIFORNIANS: Four: One to do it, and three to share the experience. NORTHERN CALIFORNIANS: None of your f---ing business, and have a nice day. OREGONIANS: Three: One to do it, and two to fend off all the Californians trying to share the experience. or, Six: One to do it, and five to file the environmental impact statement. COLORADOANS: Five: One to read the instructions, one to hold the bulb, one to hold the lamp, and two to get more beer. GERMANS: One: We are efficient, and have no sense of humor. NEW JERSEYITES: Three: One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. NEW YORKERS: None of your damn business! or, Five: One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers. or, 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying to stop it. IRANIANS: Five thousand and one: One to do it, and five thousand to shout, "Death to the electric company!" VULCANS: Approximately 1.00000000000000000. ---------------- By occupations -- entertainers: ACTORS: Only one: They don't like to share the spotlight. JUGGLERS: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. MUSICIANS: Five: One to screw in the light bulb, and four to stand around saying, "Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that." or, No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. BLUEGRASS MUSICIANS: Two: One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. PUNK ROCKERS: Seven: One to get on the chair, and six to get on the guest list. or, Two: One to screw in the light bulb, and the other to smash the old one on his forehead. FOLK SINGERS: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. CIRCUS PERFORMERS: Four: One to change the bulb and three to say, "Ta da!" MAGICIANS: Depends on what you want to change it into. EUROPEAN BALLET DANCERS: None: They like Danzig in the dark. COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYERS: The entire team, and they all get a semester's credit for it! BALTIMORE ORIOLES: One, unless it's a blowout; then the whole team shows up. PORTLAND TRAILBLAZERS: Six: One to do it, and five others to get injured holding the ladder. ---------------- By occupations -- governmental: GENERALS/POLITICIANS: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. or, That's a military secret. SECRETARIES OF DEFENSE: That's classified information. RUSSIAN LEADERS: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. BUREAUCRATS: Two: One to tell you that all that can be done is being done, and one to screw it into the water faucet. or, Five: One to change the bulb, and four to file an Environmental Impact Statement. or, One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving clerk to receive the bulb... or, Two: One to screw it in, and one to screw it up. or, None: We contract out for things like that. FEDERAL EMPLOYEES: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! CIVIL SERVANTS: Twelve: One to change the bulb, and ten to do the paperwork. What about the other one? He's on strike. ---------------- By occupations -- technical: TECHNOIDS: 100: Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only, "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". TECHNICAL WRITERS: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it. EEs: None: We'll fix it in the manual. PROGRAMMERS: None: It's a hardware problem. HACKERS: One, but it will take all night. or, Huh? You mean it's dark in here? UNIX WIZARDS: One, but first he has to determine the correct path. COMPUTER SECURITY PEOPLE: It depends on the TCSEC rating of the object light bulb. If it's a C2 bulb (or below): one. If it's a B1 bulb, just one, but he/she must document the potential covert channel. If it's a B2 bulb, he/she must also audit the covert channel. If it's a B3/A1 bulb, none, since covert channels are not allowed. (See also the "Orange Book".) DATA BASE ENGINEERS: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. NUCLEAR ENGINEERS: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one. ERGONOMICISTS: Five: Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and one to turn it. BELL LABS VICE PRESIDENTS: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee. ---------------- By occupations -- others: MED STUDENTS: Five: One to change the bulb, and four to pull the ladder out from under him. DOCTORS: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. or, That depends on whether it has health insurance. or, Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in. EMERGENCY ROOM TECHNICIANS: Only one, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room first. PSYCHIATRISTS: One, but it really has to want to be changed. or, None: The bulb will change itself when it's ready. or, How many do you think it takes? CHIROPRACTORS: Only one, but it takes nine visits. OXBRIDGE STUDENTS: Just one: He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him. MASSAGE PARLOR ATTENDANTS: Whatever number turns you on, big boy. BREWERS: One third less than for a regular bulb. GRADUATE STUDENTS: Only one, but it takes nine years. TEACHERS: One if at home, but on school time, four. PROFESSORS: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it. CHICAGO LONGSHOREMEN: Eighteen. You got a problem wit dat? EFFICIENCY EXPERTS: None: Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. WAITERS: None: Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention. BABYSITTERS: None: They don't make Pampers small enough. SEX THERAPISTS: Two: One to screw it in, and one to tell him he's screwing it in the wrong way. AUTO MECHANICS: Two: One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the broken socket. or, Six: One to force it with a hammer, and five to go out for more bulbs. ELEVATOR MECHANICS: Three: One to hold the light bulb, one to hold the elevator, and one to spin the guy holding the light bulb while the other guy holds the elevator. BEVERLY HILLS REALTORS: Three: One to screw it in, and two to learn Arabic. BANKERS: Four: One to hold the bulb, and three to try to remember the combination. INVESTMENT BROKERS: Two: One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes. or, My God! It burned out! Sell all my GE stock now! CONSULTANTS: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. or, Two: One always leaves in the middle of the project. or, We don't know; they never finish the feasibility study. ECONOMISTS: Two: One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb. LAWYERS: How many can you afford? or, Fifty four: Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services. ACCOUNTANTS: What kind of answer did you have in mind? JAPANESE INDUSTRIALISTS: Three: One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb. FIREMEN: Four: One to change the bulb, and three to cut a hole in the roof. COPS: None: It turned itself in. or, Just one, but he is never around when you need him. THOUGHT POLICE: None: There never *was* any light bulb. (Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.) KGB AGENTS: Two: One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones. TELEVISION EVANGELISTS: None: Television evangelists screw in motel rooms. PSYCHICS: . EDITORS: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to issue a rejection slip to the old bulb. MYSTERY WRITERS: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. POETS: Three: One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to change the bulb. ---------------- By political persuasions: MARXISTS: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. LIBERALS: One liberal and twenty-eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities. or, Sorry, they can't remove the old one as it's already part of the environment. CONSERVATIVES: Five: One to change it, and the others to sit around and talk about how much they liked the old one. REPUBLICANS: Three: One to hold the gun, one to hold the Bible, and one to hold the urine sample from the electrician. LIBERTARIANS: None: Libertarians never change light bulbs because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. SUPPLY-SIDERS: None: The darkness spontaneously causes the bulb to change. or, None: If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. WASPS: Two: One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician. or, None: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. RIGHT-TO-LIFERS: Two: One to screw it in, and one to argue that light started when the screwing began. PRO-CHOICE ADVOCATES: Each must decide on this question for himself. FLAT-EARTHERS: That's not a bulb, it's a disk! ---------------- By general categories: PYGMIES: At least three. REAL MEN: None: Real men aren't afraid of the dark. VALLEY GIRLS: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! FEMINISTS: That's not funny! or, Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write about how it feels. or, Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about the sexual implications. or, Four: One to change it, and three to write about how the bulb is exploiting the socket. or, Three: One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were the socket. or, Two: One to screw in the light bulb, and one to kick the balls off any man trying to help the first one. GAYS: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!" LESBIANS: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. JEWISH MOTHERS: None: "I'll just sit here in the dark, don't worry about me." PESSIMISTS: None: The old one is probably screwed in too tight. FATALISTS: What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway. EVOLUTIONISTS: Only one, but it takes eight million years. MISSIONARIES: 101: One to screw it in, and the other 100 to convince everyone else to screw in light bulbs too. FUNDAMENTALISTS: None: The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs. CHRISTIANS: Three, but they're really only one. ROMAN CATHOLICS: Two: One to screw it in, and another to repent. AMISH: None: Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies. ZEN BUDDHIST MASTERS: Two: One to change it, and one not to change it. or, Four: One to change the bulb. or, None: Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light. or, None: The universe spins the bulb, and the master stays out of the way. PLATONISTS: They don't change bulbs. They have nice fires in their caves, and if they need light they go out and look at the sun. SURREALISTS: Fish. or, Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. GREEK GODS: Two: One to hold the bulb, and the other to rotate the planet. BIKERS: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. SMOKERS: Two: One to roll it, and one to light it up. JUNKIES: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? NECROPHILIACS: None: Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. or, Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" DEAD BABIES: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the bulb. BOARD MEETINGS: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... TOURISTS: Six: One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions. PROCRASTINATORS: One, but he has to wait until the light is better. SURVIVORS OF A NUCLEAR WAR: None: People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. or, None: No electricity, no light bulbs, eventually no survivors either. DULL PEOPLE: One. LIGHTBULB-JOKE-TELLERS: 100: One to change the light bulb, and 99 to make stupid jokes about it. ---------------- By individuals: THOMAS EDISONS: None: He doesn't change them, he makes them. CARL SAGANS: Billions and Billions and Billions... DOUGLAS HOFSTADTERS: Two: One to handle the bulb, while the other entertains him with this joke. AYATOLLAH KHOMEINIS: It only takes one Khomeini to screw anything. or, None: There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century. ---------------- By kinds of animals: GORILLAS: One, but it takes a hell of a lot of bulbs. ELEPHANTS: None: There are no light bulbs in the jungle. MICE: Two: They fit in the bulb. MUTANTS: 2/3. ---------------- AND OTHER RELATED HUMOR (here the list gets more random!) SORORITY GIRLS: Three: One to change the bulb, and two to sell T-shirts. U.S. MARINES: 50: One to screw in the light bulb, and the remaining 49 to guard him. ROMULANS: 151: One to screw the light bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. EDITORS OF POOR RICHARD'S ALMANAC: Many hands make light work. U.S.S. ENTERPRISE CREW MEMBERS: Seven: Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. CHINESE RED GUARDS: 10,000, to give the bulb a cultural revolution. ANARCHISTS: All of them. TV COMEDIANS: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say, "Sock it to me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from the TV series "Laugh In.") TAOISTS: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again. RUNNING-DOG LACKEYS OF THE BOURGEOISIE: Two: One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production. REFERRAL AGENTS: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. EXISTENTIALISTS: Two: One to screw it in, and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. BIG BLACK MONOLITHS: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. LIGHT BULBS: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. DADAISTS: To get to the other side. MATHEMATICIANS: None: It's left to the reader as an exercise. or, One: He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. or, One: If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. SURGEONS: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. CONSERVATIVES: One, after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. MACINTOSH USERS: None: You have to replace the whole motherboard. NIHILISTS: None: There is nothing to change. PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: Fewer and fewer all the time. BELIEVABLE, COMPETENT, "JUST-RIGHT-FOR-THE-JOB" PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES: It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it? IRISHMEN: Three: One to hold the bulb, and two to drink enough to get the room spinning. BLIND PEOPLE: It depends if the switch is on or off. ---------------- Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb joke? A: None, that's a tech writer's job, and we don't have a sense of humor anyway. Q: How many Reaganistas does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Nine! 1. One to deny that the bulb is burned out. 2. One to clarify the denial: "The bulb is really just dim." 3.1. One to blame the bulb burning out on the "Carter-Mondale" administration. 3.2. One to blame the bulb burning out on Congress. 4. One to ask for a constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs burning out. 5. One to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp. 6. One to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene. 7. One former Reaganista to lobby his old colleagues for a special favor for the kerosene importer. 8. One to cash the check for investing in the kerosene importer. 9. One to send the bill to the next generation. Q: Dan Rather: How many Bush campaign aides does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Bush (earnest lapdog voice): NONE! I think the media's keeping this thing alive! I think the American people are TIRED of lightbulb jokes! Q: How many Democratic Presidential candidates does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Mike Dukakis: "In Massachusetts, my enlightened government has made it unnecessary for people to screw in their own lightbulbs, as we have put thousands of former welfare recipients to work in the Department of Lightbulb Installation. These employees will come to your home or business and install any standard incandescent bulb, on only a few months notice." A: Bruce Babbitt: "It's foolish to talk about screwing in lightbulbs when we haven't even taken the first step, and that is to remove the old bulb. I challenge my fellow candidates to stand up with me and help me remove this old bulb." [Stands, but nobody else does.] "HAH. What wimps. You guys make George Bush look like Rambo." A: Richard Gephardt: "It doesn't matter whether the bulb is changed or not; it only matters that the new bulb was made in the US of A. Taiwan and South Korea have put up massive barriers to importing US lightbulbs; we'll see how they like it when their bulbs cost $10,000 to screw in here." A: Gary Hart: "This oblique reference to 'screwing' is an obvious attempt to drag my personal life into this campaign. Frankly, I resent it, and the American people resent it." A: Al Gore: "As usual, the other left-wing wacko candidates are putting forth solutions that moderate Southerners won't cotton to on Super Tuesday. At least I hope not." A: Paul Simon: "My media experts tell me I'm foolish for wearing my hair the same way I did in the 50's and wearing the same bow tie I wore in the 50's. But that's what Paul Simon is all about. And I suppose my media experts are gonna say I'm foolish for this, but in all candor, I change my lightbulbs the same way I did in the 50's: my wife gets on the ladder and I turn it." A: Jesse Jackson: "Changing the lightbulb is a partial solution at best. I'm more of a Lone Ranger than a lightbulb changer. But even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and Silver, and the shameful fact is that the American Indians of today don't have enough silver, or gold, or even paper money to allow them to buy into the American Dream or some extra lightbulbs. We must ensure that all Americans can light their homes, from the lighthouse to the White House." Q: How many Republican presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Dole: When I was a poor boy growing up in Kansas we didn't have lightbulbs. Now I have the housekeeper do it. A: Dupont: Light bulbs need to be changed? Gosh. I guess the servants have always taken care of that.... With a Dupont administration the power of the free market will be unleashed to produce light-bulbs that never need changing! A: Robertson: Oh, Lord, with thy divine illumination, heal this light bulb! A: Kemp: It's morning in America! Why should we worry about light-bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light-bulbs! [Stumbles over chair in the dark.] A: Haig: One. Snap to it, soldier! A: Bush: I resent that question, Dan. I've answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are TIRED of light-bulb jokes! Q: How many Pierson's Puppeteers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, it's too dangerous. They'll hire someone else to do it. Q: How many Thrintun does it take to change a light bulb? A: 17,002. One to discover a new slave world, 17,000 to enslave it, and one to direct the actual operation. Q: How many Grogs does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, you'll do it for them. Q: How many Pak protectors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three million and one. One million to fight a huge, senseless, bloody war over who should change it, one million to research the nature and location of the light bulb, one million to build the tools, and one to change the light bulb. Q: How many Kzinti does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Kzinti can see in the dark! Q: How many Kdatlyno does it take to change a light bulb? A: What's a light bulb? Q: How many Motie engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but you won't recognize it when she's done with it... ---------------- Q: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, but they had a real good time. Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, they don't fit, although it's probably been tried. Q: How many dumb sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: 2: One to fix it, and one to say, "You're doing it all wrong." A: 6: Five to wonder how to fix it without chipping a nail, and one to call her boyfriend to do it. A: 10: Two to watch it in case it starts working again, and eight to get the six pack. A: 16: One to fix it, and 15 to do encouraging chants and songs. Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? A: No comment, they never knew it was out anyway. Q: How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to stand around and assure the public that everything possible is being done to alleviate the situation properly, while the other one screws the bulb into an open plumbing spout. Q: How many college students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to change it, and the other to convince the first not to take advantage of an impromptu study break. Q: How many College of Morons students (Insert your favorite school name) does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he gets credit for an electrical engineering project. A: Thirty, but they get 9 credits for it. A: What's a light bulb? Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb? A: It doesn't matter. Q: How many stockbrokers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 37 1/8, up 3/8 from yesterday's closing. Q: How many prostitutes does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One, when it comes to screwing, these folk are professionals. Q: Lawyer: How many Norths did you need to change the light bulb in the Oval Office? A: Reagan: I don't recall. Q: How many disarmament folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: They won't, because: 1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a brighter one, so where will it all end?" 2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world three times over." 3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone is hungry anywhere." 4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will have on the future of mankind." 5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't learned to husband it yet." 6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct." 7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity." 8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color sex (anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, national origin, or need." 9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!" ---------------- From: kurt@tc.fluke.COM (Kurt Guntheroth) Date: 6 Jul 1990 Subject: Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes Newsgroups: rec.humor [edited since receipt] Accept no substitutes; this is the original and only Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes, from the original collector. This newest revision includes additional jokes and an alphabetical format to reduce duplicate submissions. Notes on the Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes This file is the canonical collection of light bulb jokes, posted as a public service to prevent a steady trickle of light bulb jokes, most of which will be repeats. Light bulb jokes have a period of four to six months between recurrences, and long-time news readers look forward with dread to each new round of the same old jokes. 90% of these jokes have been in the collection since 1984. It is possible to construct infinite small variations by substituting particular ethnic groups into these jokes, or by expanding certain jokes into seventy line monsters. I have resisted this impulse. Of course you may substitute any ethnic group for "". I feel it would be inappropriate for me to pick on a single ethnic group when there are so many and when I don't know your personal prejudices. The WASPs in the following jokes are "White Anglo-Saxon Protestants" and are assumed to represent any upper-middle class, loose-lifestyle people. In Seattle, these are "Mercer Islander" jokes. In California, they are "Marin County" jokes, and so on. Some of these jokes are also told as "Jewish American Princess" jokes. *WARNING* This file contains material of a satirical nature. It may be offensive to members of the following groups: Californians Oregonians New Yorkers New Jersey-ians Poles Russians (Space) Aliens Politicians Communists Capitalists Conservatives Pro-lifers Feminists Homosexuals Junkies Parents Babies Students Frat rats Athletes Artists Writers Performers various scientists Professors Mathematicians Engineers Field Service folks Software folks Hardware folks Marketing folks Doctors Lawyers Accountants all managers Economists Soldiers WASPs various animals Christians Jews Buddhists God(s) Necrophiliacs Philosophers Poets Police officers and by now many others who are no doubt offended to have been left off this list. The last time I looked there were 128 jokes in this file. Thanks to unicads!les for the generating function for light bulb jokes: Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity? A: A finite positive integer F. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group. If F<2 then the joke has little hope of being funny. ----- The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes ----- Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb. Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder. Q': How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb? A': 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house. Q": How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb? A": Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet. Q: How many APL hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There's a primitive for that. Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What kind of answer did you have in mind? Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight. Q: How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb? A: None, they like to keep him in the dark. Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: All of them. Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only). A': Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session. A": Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it. Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb? A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch. Q: How many blind people does it take to change a light bulb? A: It depends whether the switch is on or off. Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed? A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile... Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one. Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb? A: About one third less than for a regular bulb. Q: How many bureaucrats/civil servants does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. A': 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork. Q: How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to change a light bulb? A: The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if you knew how many. Note: Topical to 1983 and the difficulty of obtaining cabbage patch dolls. Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience. Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three, but they're really only one. Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on. Q: How many TV comedians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one to screw it in, and another to say "Sock it to Me." (Notes: Sock it = Socket. Also, the phrase was from "Laugh In.") Q: How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb. Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb? A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday. A': We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study. Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It turned itself in. Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: To get to the other side. Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time. Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb. A': None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. A": None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in. Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Many hands make light work. Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb? A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs. Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. Note: There are versions for every popular TV show. This was among the first. Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget! Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Thats not funny!!! Q': How many "Cliffie" girls does it take to change a light bulb? A': It's "Radcliffe Women" and it's not funny! Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was. Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb? A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it! Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg. A': Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins. A": None. Frat boys screw in puddles of vomit. Q: How many FSE's (field service engineers) does it take to replace a dead light bulb? A: Who can tell? FSE's are always in the dark. A': 2: One to hold the bulb and one to pound it in (etc) Q': How long will it take? A:' That's indeterminate. It depends on how many dead bulbs they've brought with them. Q": What if you have TWO dead bulbs? A": They replace your fuse box. Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it in and the other to say "Fabulous." Q: How many gay rights activists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it." Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb? A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again. Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs! Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done. Q: How many hackers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights. Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. That's a software problem. A': None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature. Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him. Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man? Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. ("Thats all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...") Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs. Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? A': It only takes one to change your bulb...to his. A": Lawyers don't change bulbs. Now if you're looking for someone to really screw a bulb... Q: How many Lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw it and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man. Q: How many Libertarians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter the room who wants to sit in the dark. Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number. Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard. A' None. Mac users don't screw, they just point and click at the genital icon. Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 50: One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him. Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb? A: Depends on what you want to change it into. Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise. A': One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A": One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke. A'": In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes: Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke... In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb. If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb. Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb. Bibliography: [1] Wiener, Matthew P., <11485@ucbvax>, "Re: YALBJ", 1986 Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb? A: 101: One to change it, and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too. Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb? A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end. Q: Do you know how many musicians it takes to change a light bulb? A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. A': Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list. See also "How many junkies..." Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end. Q: How many Necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs. A': Only one. "Oh, excuse me, could you please test the socket with your finger while I go get a new bulb?" Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb? A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness. Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None 'o yo' fuckin' business! A': 50. 50? Yeah 50; it's in the contract. Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change. Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Seven. One to install the new bulb, and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years. Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience. A': Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it. Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike! Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb? A: Five: One to change the bulb, and four to pull the ladder out from under him. Q: How many "pro-lifers" does it take to change a light bulb? A: 6: Two to screw in the bulb, and four to testify that it was lit from the moment they began screwing. Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but they get three tech reports out of it. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change. Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb? A:: None: "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark. A:: None of your damn business! Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb? A: None: A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it. Q: How many (Chinese) Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10,000, to give the bulb a cultural revolution. Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago. Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace, though it is not bad for a LBJ.) Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production! Q: How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to do the screwing, and one to hear the confession. Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs. Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Billions and billions. Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, that's a hardware problem. A': One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down. A": Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project. Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb? A: 51: One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed. Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Both of them. Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two: One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out). Q: How many surgeons does it take to replace a light bulb? A: Three. They'd also like to remove the socket as you aren't using it now. Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools. Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs. Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb? A: You cannot change a light bulb. By its nature it will go out again. Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb? A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". A': Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it. Q: How many televangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. Televangelists screw in motels. Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: None. There never *was* any light bulb. Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984. Q: How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: They don't need to, they glow in the dark. Note: Topical to the Chernobyl Reactor disaster of 1984. Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb? A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway. Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb? A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000. Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis. A': None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready. Q": How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb? A": Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub. Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy. Q: How many people does it take to change a one WATT bulb?? A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple... Notes: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983. Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: A tree in a golden forest. A': Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it. A": One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb. A'": None. Zen masters carry their own light. ---------------- Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB... Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young. We've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb? Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. German Shepherd: I'll guard the lightbulb while you decide. Back off! Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid light! Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me! Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Leave it for the servants. Labrador: Oh, me, ME!!! Pleeeeeeze let ME change the bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? Malamute: Let the Border collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy. Chow Chow: I'm with the malamute. After I take my nap that is! Akita: I'm with the chow and malamute! What's for dinner? Jack Russell Terrier OR Wire-haired Fox Terrier: I can reach it! I just KNOW I can reach it! Another twenty jumps, and it's mine, ALL mine!! Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark. Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares? Kelpie: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle. Pointer: I see it, there it is, rrrrriiiiiiight there. -- end --